Things You Won’t See Me Do in 2012

So, it’s another year. Or, another year over a new one just begun, as John Lennon so succinctly put it. I can say now that there are some things you definitely won’t see me doing in 2012.

Carrying pigs on motorcycle trailers. You might think that there is little chance of this ever happening but you would be sadly mistaken. As well as being a successful and highly sought after writer I also own a struggling pig farm. Unfortunately the onerous task of taking the poor blighters to get slaughtered is made more difficult by the lack of a trailer. This means that I need to take them inside the truck with me. Don’t worry animal rights fans; I always make sure they put their seat belts on.

Opening mail boxes. Why won’t I be doing this? Simply because there are no mail boxes here. If you are wondering how I get my mail there is a very simple answer; I don’t. There is a system in place to pick up letters in the local post office but since all the employees have had the life sucked out of them by aliens or zombies (or alien zombies?) I avoid this option like the proverbial plague.

Gravel hauling. Call it a hunch, but I feel quite sure that I will haul little or no gravel in the year 2012. Perhaps a negligible amount of unconsolidated rock fragments will be moved around in my presence but you will be very lucky to catch me doing this.

Buying a used car in Cobourg. There are a number of reasons why you won’t see me carrying out this activity in the next year. Firstly, I don’t even know where the place is. Is it a popular place to buy motorised vehicles? Is there some sort of used car tourism going on there? Even if there is it is unlikely that I will be a willing participant to all of this willful car purchasing glee in Cobourg. You see, I am very happy with my old truck. Unless the pigs mess it up by starting to pull CDs out of the glove compartment and play with the buttons it should keep me going for a few years yet.

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