Have I Lost My Mind Yet?

Do you ever read something and then realise that you didn’t understand a word of it. This just happened to me while I was browsing for a loft ladder (I might have mentioned my problems with local carpenters about 15 times already).

Anyway, I decided to check my sanity and see if I could work out what some unusual sounding things are.

A tiger torch has got to be something which helps you illuminate your way when the natural light from the sun and/or moon proves to be insufficient. Probably has a cute picture of a tiger on it as well. What? It’s used for pre heating pipes! Get out of town.

I read the phrase hosta growers and I immediately thought of something illegal. Is it, you know, something you smoke? The only time I ever tried this kind of thing I ended up coughing a lot and didn’t really dig it, man. It was in a dodgy looking beach town in Ecuador and my main memory of the smoke I had was that the plate of strange fish I had afterwards should probably have been more illegal than the joint. Anyway, it turns out that hosta is (are?) plants of some sort. I got lost at that point. Just like I did after eating the fish.

What do sea kayaks essentials involve? Well, the kayak and a paddle. What else do you want, you pampered devil you? A blooming soft cushion and a butler service? Well, it turns out that some softies use a helmet, a sprayskirt and a PFD. I don’t even know what two of those things are but when I got to “booties” on the list I knew it was time to turn my back on this difficult to understand sport. I haven’t worn booties since I was a year old and I ain’t going back to them now.

What on Earth are Orchid pool cues? Aren’t they made out of wood? If you aren’t going to challenge me to a game of nine ball armed only with an ornamental flower then I’ll be rushing off to put on my booties before you even know what has happened.

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