What Do You Buy the Man Who Has Everything?

DISCLAIMER – Before I start I should point out that I am not the person in the title who has everything. I am pretty happy with what I have but if anyone was thinking of sending me a surprise gift then please don’t be put off by this article.

Ok, where were we? Ah yes, if you know someone who has everything what could you possibly buy him? Let’s have a look through the round window (anyone who recoognised that phrase has just given away their age).

Oysters eat. When I saw this title I thought it was a warning, like the old “danger, man eating fish” joke. Turns out it is a bunch of information about that most exclusive of aphrodisiacs. Am I interested? You bet your cotton socks I am. I have long wanted to try oysters but always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I may have mentioned before that I live very far from the sea so my oyster tasting will need to wait a bit yet.

Whirlpool water heaters. Oh lovely, I thought, I can relax in a whirlpool and get the water heated at the same time. Now if only a young wench would bring me some grapes and a cigar my life would be complete. Ah, hang on a minute. Whirlpool is the brand name not the comforting swirling motion. I’ll still have those grapes though. I’ll eat them in the shower or wherever. Actually, while I am sort of on the subject, I live in the highest grape growing area in the world. I love those highest/tallest/longest titles so I might slip another one in somewhere if I can.

Traffic light suppliers. Here’s a point. If you have a fancy big private drive can you put up your own traffic lights? I would like to think so. My current drive is about 10 centimetres longer and 5 millimetres wider than my car. Can you guess who has the most scratched car on the street? Still, I can dream of cruising into my tree lined avenue in my Bentley.

Premium lobster dining. I’ve never eaten a blooming lobster either.

Bounce house. When I was a kid and I spent all afternoon waiting to see what was on the other side of the round window these things were rubbish. They were called bouncy castles but they weren’t. They were moderately springy mattresses with some trimmings. Now they are great and I really want to go on one. What if I turned my whole house into into one? Can you imagine bouncing from the kitchen into the living room or bouncing away in the shower? The biggest bouncy castle in the world is in Hampshire, England and it may very well be bigger than my house.

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